the money issue

i'm a stingy person.

i will spend money, definitely, and i think of myself as generous in terms of gifts for others. i don't keep track of how much is in my account, and i tend to blow through way too much each weekend.

but i'm stingy. when we divvy up bills i always feel like i'm getting ripped off; i ponder for ages when purchasing razors, trying to decide how much i want/am willing to spend; and i HATE lending money.

lending money sucks. i'm always aware of it, i can't ignore it, and i resent it completely. people never make any effort to repay you, and you're stuck either losing money or being obnoxious and asking for it.

i blame my attitude completely on my father. he is one stingy bastard. we weren't allowed to get our own drinks at mcdonald's till we were in middle school, at least. we would buy one large diet coke and ask for three small cups. this is why i stopped drinking diet coke.

my mom explained that it was those sacrifices that made it possible to go on vacations and to summer camp and it's true, i got to go to incredible places and i never paid for a nickel of it myself. but there was always the motto that "if they don't take the entertainment card, we're not going."

ahh, memories. where am i going with this?
BEN. ben is a sweet boy but is very intense and one of those people who obviously is incredibly self-relflexive/analyzing/critical. he gets off on being odd. i met him 5 years ago, had a huge crush on him for the first 6 months and then started hanging out with him and realized what a big dork he was and the crush ceased. ben is poor, never has any money and is always borrowing. this should be fine - i am not poor, i have a steady paycheck and he's my friend. yet when he asked me for a few buck yesterday (for food!) i responded "don't you already owe me money?" He does, we saw David Sedaris and he gave me a fifth of the ticket price. He said "yeah, probably" so i gave him a five and i didn't ask for change and i feel like a bitch for even bringing it up. and that's the worst part - lending money leads to me feeling guilty. guilty for resenting it, guilty for asking for it back, guilty for looking so petty.

i wish i could say - that's it! i'm never lending money again. but that won't happen. and i don't think my attitude is likely to change - these spots seem ingrained.

welcome to a banner year.